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From Grief to Grief

27 Jul

sadieclochehat
It’s been almost two years since my 31 year-old daughter died. Two years. In the past, when talking to a grieving parent, I’ve made the mistake of thinking that some kind of healing has taken place at the two year mark. I was wrong.
For me, now, the grief has begun in earnest.
A few months ago I became aware that I was coming out of the fog and the flip side of that are the feelings that follow. Instead of trauma, I miss her. The shape of her mouth, the mole on the left side of her nose, her delicate hand; I yearn for her.
These past two weeks, watching the outpouring of public grief for Cory Monteith, a 31 year-old that was born in Calgary and who died in Vancouver (as opposed to my 31 year-old who was born in Vancouver and died in Calgary) has been agonizing. It opened me up beyond the blur of internal trauma and put me in touch with the true lifelong loss of my May baby.
I know his mother’s pain.
Learning to live like this is the ultimate challenge. As a mother who nurtured this life inside of me, I am missing a literal part of myself. I seek her. How, then, to make the remaining years useful? What will move me once again? Will I find relief from the ever-present thrum of grey?
Making meaning in my life has different corners to it now. The shape of the world has changed and it’s not something I recognize. I’m not sure where I fit in this new place.
And so I wait.
I wait for a sign. I wait for the tumblers to fall into place and show me the direction I should take. Mostly, though, I wait for her.

© Kim Reynolds 2013

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7 Comments

Posted by on July 27, 2013 in Where's My Kid?

 

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7 responses to “From Grief to Grief

  1. tersiaburger

    July 28, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    I cannot imagine living for another 18 months without my child. I know I am in a “fog” at the moment. I feel devoid of emotion – I just feel so empty! Hugs.

     
    • wheresmykid

      July 28, 2013 at 2:36 pm

      Hugs back to you. Learning to incorporate this into your day to day reality is the most challenging part of this whole experience. I know I have to figure it out. I promised her I would! Take care.

       
  2. SusanB

    July 29, 2013 at 10:34 am

    I found that after the first twelve months, I realized that I would be counting time since I’d smelled his hair, in years. My grief regrouped and I wallowed on the bottom in agony. You can do nothing but work through it. Hug.

     
    • wheresmykid

      July 29, 2013 at 11:49 am

      Thank you so much, Susan. Hugging you right back.

       
  3. Denise

    July 30, 2013 at 2:54 am

    I just told someone I’ve resigned myself to Philip’s death, which is nowhere accepting it. It means I know I can’t make him come home and a year and a half later, I’m always on the verge of tear when I’m not actually crying them. And accepting it doesn’t mean it’s okay; it means I stop adding the pain of rage and helplessness on top of the pain of grief. Hugs to you.

     
    • wheresmykid

      July 30, 2013 at 8:55 am

      Thanks for the hug. Yes. Rage and helplessness – two words I’m well-acquainted with. I do know that it will never be okay and I have found some relief in not trying to make it so. It’s just hard to figure out what to do next. What do I fill my life with that will imbue meaning now that all the things I thought mattered no longer do? Big question, to be sure. And a hug back to you, Denise.
      Best,
      Kim

       
  4. Becki Duckworth

    August 29, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Sending healing thoughts

     

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